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We’re already two months into 2020 and setting healthy boundaries was a necessity for me. Truthfully, it was necessary 6 years ago. You see, I had a series of things happen to me as a young girl that caused me to be passive and have low self-esteem. Because of my low self-esteem, I held onto every relationship and friendship I could.
However, I couldn’t continue to pity myself. I didn’t want to consider myself a victim in someone else’s story anymore. I was gonna turn “victim” into “victory”. What does that mean exactly? Well, I would put my life together and remove myself from situations + relationships that were no longer serving me.
“I Would Turn Victim Into Victory”
The reason I tell you about me having a series of unfortunate events happen to me is that those played a role in the woman I am today. I could never say no and I was a people-pleaser. It made me someone afraid to cut people off. It made me somebody that never spoke my mind. Always giving people 50 chances to do me dirty. I’m not sure if you guys read it, but in an earlier post, I talked about my abusive relationships.
I bring this up because I accepted friendships from my abusers. I thought since I was out of the relationship, things would be different. They assured me they had changed, and I thought since we had so much “history” it was okay. A large part of that was me just being nice. It was instinct to people-please. I thought I could NEVER say no because it would hurt someone’s feelings.
So, as you could imagine, I walked on eggshells my whole teen and adult life. As a result, I felt that I could never be genuinely me. I felt that nobody could like me for me up until recently. So, it was definitely for some spring cleaning. What I mean by cleaning is, I did some internal cleaning, purging of unhealthy relationships & put myself first.
How To Set Healthy Boundaries
Did you know that setting healthy boundaries is a form of self-care + self-love? I know it can be hard. Trust me, I had to cut off someone who I had a crush on since middle school. I didn’t want to do it, but I couldn’t continue neglecting myself. I neglected myself for far too long and removing people from my life was a great “first? step. Well, it wasn’t really my first step.
My First Step
What was actually my first step? Well, I had to recognize and accept the fact that there was a dilemma. That’s a hard pill to swallow. But, if I was to stay in a state of denial then the issue would never be resolved. Then I?d stay in this unhealthy situation. What I did was create a method for me to go by. I call it the R+R method, the Reflect + Resolve method.
What does that mean? It means to self-reflect then resolve. Here?s the thing, once you know the issue you can easily fix it. It’s when you don’t know what the problem is or that there even is one where it gets complicated.
What I got from my reflection was that I apologize too much, I don’t forgive myself enough, I don’t know how to say no & that I needed to cut people out of my life. When you reflect and get similar answers, YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. It takes time but I immediately took the steps to put myself first.
The Second Step
The first thing I did after self-reflecting was purge toxic & unhealthy relationships. I first told him, blocked him on EVERYTHING & moved onto others. The second person on my list was my last boyfriend. He was manipulative and abusive. He was the second motivation to making the decision to actually cut off contact with certain people. I was extremely nice to him when I never got that from him so it was time to say goodbye.
Finally, I made it to my crush that I knew I had to block contact with. He was the last person on my list but I knew that he wasn’t good for me. So, I hit that block button and?
Ahhhhhh? I could breathe again. The people that sucked all my energy were out of my life and it was freeing.
The Last Step
The last step I took was practicing saying no. Always saying yes to everything all the time drained me. I would sweat bullets whenever someone asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. So, I started out small and said no to close friends and family. As soon as the first no touched my lips coming out the mouth, I had finally released those shackles. I wasn’t tied down by any obligation to do something I didn’t want to. I could unapologetically be me and love every second of it. It was a happiness I never felt before, and I hope you all get to feel that too!
Welp! That’s it for me today, friends! I hope you learned something and do some R+R. Let me know what boundaries you had to set for yourself.
On a side note, I have a self-love course coming out very soon. I know what you’re thinking, but this is not a run of the mill self-help course. More details on this course coming soon!